Staying engaged without burning out in hard times

These are hard times. I’m writing this from the United States, in distress at what continues to unfold in our country.

Recently, I came across a social media post from Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy, a psychologist in Minnesota. Her post brought a model to my awareness that feels especially helpful right now.

Drawing on the Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement, Dr. Fogel Mersy suggests that a framework originally used to understand personal loss may also help us navigate the prolonged strain of the present moment. At its core, the model offers a simple and relieving insight: when hardship doesn’t pass quickly, healthy coping requires movement.

The Dual Process Model describes two complementary forms of coping: turning toward what hurts, and turning away for periods of respite. Well-being doesn’t come from choosing one over the other; it comes from oscillating between them.

Applied to this moment, the same wisdom holds. In her application, Dr. Fogel Mersy names engagement primarily as outward action—staying informed, advocating, donating, protesting, or checking in on one another—and restoration as stepping back through rest, movement, connection, and activities that help restore capacity.

The work isn’t choosing one.
It’s learning to move between them.

One of the most helpful aspects of this framework is how it reframes stepping back. Rest doesn’t have to mean disengaging, giving up, or not caring enough. Within the model, restoration-oriented coping is not avoidance—it is essential. It is a skillful, protective, and wise part of coping with the moment, restoring capacity so engagement remains possible over time.

For many of us, the harder part isn’t oscillation itself—it’s the self-judgment that arises when we need to step back. We may rest while carrying guilt, pressure, or the sense that we should be doing more. This model helps soften that judgment by reminding us that both engagement and restoration are necessary parts of sustained care.

Looking more closely at the theory itself, it also becomes clear that engagement includes our inner work. In the Dual Process Model, loss-oriented coping involves turning toward what hurts—allowing ourselves to feel, process, and tend to grief, anger, or fear rather than bypassing it. This inner engagement is not disengagement. It’s part of how we metabolize what we’re living through, and it supports more grounded, sustainable action in the world.

Action in the world matters. So does the emotional labor of staying present with what’s hard.

Self-compassion as embodied discernment

This is where mindfulness and self-compassion become especially relevant—not as ways to feel better quickly, but as embodied tools for discernment. Mindfulness helps us notice how we are—physically, emotionally, mentally—without immediately judging or fixing. Self-compassion helps us respond to what we notice with understanding and care.

Together, they help us sense what kind of coping is being called for in any given moment—whether it’s engagement or restoration—and to move between the two with greater awareness and less shame.

A reflective pause

You might pause here for a moment and notice how you are right now—physically, emotionally, or mentally—without judging or fixing anything. Simply acknowledging: This is how it is right now.

From there, you might gently wonder:

• What signals am I noticing in my own experience right now—and do they suggest a need to step back and rest, or a readiness to engage?

• Is there one small way you could respond today—more rest, more emotional processing, or one modest action in your community—not from a place of should, but as a form of care for what you actually need?

• Does one response—rest or engagement—feel harder to allow right now? If so, what might you need to hear, or what permission might help you respond with care? What might you say to a friend if they felt similarly—and could you offer yourself a similar message of support?

As you reflect, you might remember that you’re not alone. Many people are carrying grief, anger, uncertainty, or fatigue. This is a shared human response to hard times.

If it feels helpful, you could offer yourself something supportive—perhaps soothing through breath, warmth, or rest, or perhaps encouragement: This is hard, and I’m doing the best I can. You might also remember that both forms of coping are rooted in care—for yourself, for your values, and for a more just and humane world.

Compassion for the long haul

Compassion for the long haul requires oscillation.
It means staying in relationship with what matters, while also allowing ourselves to rest.

The Dual Process Model reminds us that caring well—over time—requires movement. Mindfulness and self-compassion help us sense when to engage, when to restore, and how to move between the two with less judgment and more care.

I’m grateful to Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy for sharing work that helped bring this model to my awareness—and for illuminating how it can support us in this moment.

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Heather Shaughnessy-Cato is a certified Mindful Self-Compassion teacher and well-being coach who offers workshops and coaching to help you meet what you’re carrying with greater discernment and care.